10/20/09
Interview With a Vampire by Judith Parker Eric Northman and his attorney Slick Glickman had just returned from his arraignment, where he entered a plea of not guilty. "Hi, I'm Judith." Holding out my hand, I suddenly remembered - vampires don't like being touched. Then recalling Dawn's journal (and blushing), I wondered if that was a myth. He shook my hand gently in one of his massive paws and smiled. "It's a pleasure, Judith. Tell me, do you like my new look? It was Slick's idea." My first instinct was to laugh, but I had to admit it was an improvement over what I expected from pictures, which was anything from a metrosexual Hell's Angel to a sleazy lounge lizard. Neither look would help him in court. Nothing had prepared me for his powerful charisma, though. Heck, this guy could probably wear a dress and still be undeniably manly. Suddenly feeling light-headed, I took a seat before formally beginning the interview. |  "I see you have a bottle of Tru-Blood there, Eric. How is it?" "Tastes like shifter dung. Slick brought it, as a prop." Slick: "This is off the record, right?" I loved Northman's sarcasm and honesty, but poor Slick had his work cut out for him. "Sure, Slick. So, you now have a court date and bail is being arranged, I assume?" |
 | "We're depending on donations which come in daily, often with photos or intimate apparel enclosed. As you know, Judith, it's very difficult to find anyone willing to post bond on a vampire." "Agreed, the discrimination is appalling." "Well, they DO disappear 100 percent of the time, but still..." "Yeah, I hear even Dog won't go fetch them." "Isn't he married to one?" "Pardon me for interrupting. Would anyone care to discuss my case?" |
"Gloria Allwet here, and I'll discuss anyone's case that gets me publicity. Mr. Northman, I have Dawn channeled as we speak. We've been shopping her journal and negotiating on your behalf with several movie studios in Chatsworth.. This would not only pay your bail and attorney fees, but make you famous in the bargain." "Who would play me?" |  |
 | "Probably Rocco or Ron Jeremy, Eric. How typical. On one hand, the puritanical Judeo Christian aversion to sex, on the other, the exploitation to make a buck. No offense, Gloria, but you people are really screwed up." "No offense taken, Hella, but come on, at least we draw a line at sex outside our own species. " "That was a low blow, Gloria, and since when are vampires considered the same species?" |
"Excuse me but Vampires certainly ARE the same species as humans. This case is just a legal ass*beep*ing by those who feel threatened because of personal inadequacies, much like the killer of Ms. Green. Eric Northman should have the same right to manipulate the legal system as everyone else. " Judith: "Eric, what are your thoughts on all of this?" "Ron Jeremy is a terrible actor." "About your case though - it's my understanding that the prosecution will be saying that you glamoured Dawn into having sex, hence the rape charge." "pfft. Look at me. Do you really think I'd need to glamour anyone?" |  |
 | "Well, maybe not, but it seems you're only interested in those who don't like you, and can resist your... charms. Dawn herself wrote "he seemed like a prick." "Ouch." "Not my type at all." and yet, 2 minutes later she's all over you. What would you call that? "Getting lucky?" "Eric, please. Stop looking at me with those big round innocent eyes of yours. I can't...I can't concentrate." "Judith, look at me. I swear I did not glamour Dawn. If I had, she wouldn't have remembered anything and I wouldn't be in this mess now, would I? They don't have a case, so I'm not worried. " "You're right Eric I apologize for doubting you." |
 | UPDATE Mr. Northman has since made bail and would like to thank all his supporters for their donations. ~ Judith Parker |
Editorial
It's been fun, but with the show on hiatus, my attention is waning. I hope that season 3 will spend more time on character development and less Rescue 911. Because it takes place in the South, does this mean they all have to be dumb? I know it's camp, but I suspect I'm laughing AT it, more than with it.
Anyway, for what it's worth, here is my wish list for season 3:
Make it scarier, more edgy. Sookie screaming is not scary. I'm pretty sure that's the comedy part, but not positive. I laugh anyway.
This is a show about vampires. Keep the supes to a minimum. I don't care who Sookie sleeps with, but give Alex Skarsgård more to do on the show. It's been two years and we still don't really know Eric or have even seen where he lives. For all I know, he lives at Fangtasia.
Naked bodies are always welcome, but not necessary. In my opinion, Bill's "Take your clip out." in season 1 was sexier than their choreographed lovemaking later on. Also, avoid using cute nursery rhymey tunes as background music to bone sessions.
Bring back Bill #1, who was apparently kidnapped early in the first season.
The dialogue is dull and often unnecessary or stilted. Examples are how many times a vampire says "As your maker." Is this really necessary?
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