10/15/09
Vampire Arrested on Rape Charges!
Dawn Green's diary lands Eric Northman in the slammer
 | The buzz in Bon
Temps is not an illegal vibrator, but talk surrounding the latest clash of law enforcement vs consenting adults. In a place where antiquated laws remain on the books governing what may go into which orifice, the arrest should have surprised no one. "Look, when y'all need to travel outside your zipcode to purchase sex toys, but can walk across any street to Pop's Liquor and Firearms, somethin' is ass-backwards." said defense attorney H.R. "Slick" Glickman. |
 H.R. "Slick" Glickman "He may look like a country bumpkin, but that's his genius", says an
anonymous admirer. "Slick has been in the vanguard of forward-thinking
individuals who try to change the mindset around here." | "This was clearly consensual sex, not rape." said Glickman, who is representing Northman. "Admittedly it got a little rougher than she had planned on, but Dawn was not naive. Nor did she consider, quote, "the best sex I ever had" cause for filing a legal complaint. Trust me, I would have heard about it."  "Dawn was a crack shot, and no slouch when it came to pulling a gun", admits Bud Dearborn. Although no charges were ever filed, he reveals she had a "higher-than-average" number of bullet holes in her bedroom walls. |
"He didn't go easy" says sheriff Dearborn about the arrest. "We had to abandon the usual cavity search, but did manage to get him behind bars." "That must be a relief to the local women." "Hell, he's gettin' more fan mail than Elvis" grumbled a bitter Andy Bellefleur. "I don't get it." |  |
 |  "Eric? What the fuck?" |
| "What purpose is being served by his
incarceration?" we asked. "The purpose is upholding the law, dumb ass!" | |
Inside sources tell us The Northman has now settled down and is preparing himself for what promises to be a legal battle royale and a titillating can of worms. Thanks to his many supporters, his redecorated cell now contains a sleeping coffin, mood lighting, plasma TV, and comfy lounging furniture. We'll be staying on the story to bring our readers any late breaking news. It's the least we can do. |  |
UPDATE:
This case is now drawing international attention. In our next issue, Northman is interviewed by our crime reporter Judith Parker. Joining in will be reknowned Swedish feminist and animal rights activist Hella Assgård and Nan Flanagan of the American Vampire League. Injecting herself into the hoo-haa is California attorney Gloria Allwet, who claims to be representing the deceased Ms. Green by channeling.
In the immortal words of David Milch: "We're on the precipice of a clusterfuck."
This case is now drawing international attention. In our next issue, Northman is interviewed by our crime reporter Judith Parker. Joining in will be reknowned Swedish feminist and animal rights activist Hella Assgård and Nan Flanagan of the American Vampire League. Injecting herself into the hoo-haa is California attorney Gloria Allwet, who claims to be representing the deceased Ms. Green by channeling.
In the immortal words of David Milch: "We're on the precipice of a clusterfuck."
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