09/16/09
Another Serial Killer Dead in Bon Temps
 Bellefleur gives Bud Dearborn the details | Det. Andy Bellefleur is called a Hero Bon Temps is quickly getting a reputation of being an unsafe haven for killers, as well as the general population. Andy Bellefleur just put a dent in in murder rate and a bullet in the suspect's head Sunday night. "He made a full confession" said Bellefleur "then came at me with the knife." Drifter "Eggs" Benedict was pronounced dead in Merlotte's parking lot, the scene of more crimes than CSI. Benedict claimed responsibility for several murders, including one mutilated woman he left in Bellefleur's car, "This is MY town, my people. I was just doing my job, but if you want to call me a hero, well, I guess I can't stop you." |
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Local Vampire Goes Missing A Missing Vampire Report was filed today by a livid Sookie Stackhouse, who was initially told to wait at least 48 hours. "Vampires go missing all the time" said Sheriff Bud Dearborn "It's their nature." According to Stackhouse, she and Mr. Compton were dining out when Bill presented her with an engagement ring and tickets to Vermont, where human/vampire marriages are legal. When she came out of the restroom, he was gone, and hasn't been heard from since. "I don't know why I bother with these redneck cops" fumed Stackhouse "They couldn't find their own dicks in the dark!" Bill and Sookie recently appeared on the Jerry Springer Show along with Eric Northman, a vampire from Shreveport. Inside sources tell us that Northman was overheard saying that Bill "needs to be taught a lesson."  |  Bill Compton 5'8", 174 years old, may have shaven chest to disguise appearance.. Has aged considerably since this photo was taken. We're using it because, well, he looks hot and dangerous. Friends say that Bill has been defanged, and there's no cause for alarm. Dearborn assures us that every lead is being followed up and he personally plans to head the investigation. He confirmed that a few "people of interest", including Northman and Compton's ex Lorena, have agreed to come in for questioning. "Usually we're looking for missing humans, whenever vampires are involved, This is a first for me." We'll be following the drama as it unfolds. |
| In Other News | |
Local woman Jane Bodehouse (right) was lucky to have lost just a finger in her own terrifying brush with death. "The gators are gettin' real aggresive" she said, from her favorite watering hole, Merlotte's, where she's enjoying the attention. The gator found her inedible, and doctors were able to reattach the digit. |  |
Missing: Prized Brahman Bull A lot of things are missing this week, including Charlie Burkes favorite bull "Diablo", When asked for a description, he reported him as being "About 2000 lbs, with big-ass horns" |
